Someone shit on the floor
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
