you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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