my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
