i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
