i don't like sucking hair
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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