so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
