Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
