you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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