i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
