dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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