Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
