Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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