You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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