I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
