So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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