my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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