apparently the secret to your success is patron
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
