My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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