we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
