I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
