he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
