They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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