I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
