I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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