how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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