and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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