it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
