Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
