I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
