and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
