Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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