My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
