there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
