She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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