Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
