That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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