just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
