I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
