Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
