girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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