Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
