Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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