Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
