im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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