Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
