You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
