I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
