since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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