I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
