Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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