your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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